Why I've Been Avoiding You...

So, I've been avoiding blogging all week.  I've had a lapse in free time recently so it was easy to put this post off this last week as well but here goes...

Epic Mamma Fail (deeeeeep breathe, here goes)

So, for months now we have been attending a twice weekly group of children and families.  It has been really, really great for us.  It gave us somewhere to go and other like minded children and parents to be around and part of.

We never really felt like we fit.  Sure, we met lots of new people and enjoyed our time but there wasn't anyone new in this group that we were meeting for coffee or at the playground.  I kept thinking it would just take more time.  

Slowly, over the last several weeks many of the families with children close in age to AJ1 have left for various reasons (mainly due to moves).  There are two children, one boy and one girl who have still been attending who are just a few short weeks chronologically older than AJ1.  That being said, AJ1 seems worlds younger to me.

A quick side note...I have worked very hard to keep my children young.  I have not exposed them to life's hardships because I haven't had to, we are very blessed in so many ways.  I have tried to talk to them about the facts of life and the sad situations in the world where children don't have family, food, toys, homes, etc, etc, etc.  I have addressed stranger danger and the ideas that some adults are not nice and can hurt children but I have NEVER thought it necessary to go beyond that.

As the other children closest to AJ1 have syphoned off, AJ1 has had a growing NEED to break into the wall of friendship created by this boy and girl.  These two particular children were born on the same day and have always had one another growing up.  It's the magical kind of relationship that I cannot provide for my children due to geography and the need to move several times during early childhood.  Bestie's babies provide this to some extent but not in the see them all the time physical aspect that many children have.  

I have given my boys brothers as a consolation prize.  AJ4 will be born within 57 months of AJ1's birth.  I am sure that now, it seems like decades but someday it will seem like just moments to them.  I thank God that I have been able to provide that.

Back to business...AJ1 has not been able to break in to this relationship and the more he tries, the more he is ridiculed.  Finally, last Wednesday I witnessed the scene that JJ had predicted and I had hoped could be avoided through me working with AJ1.  You see, several months ago when it all began we went to a Friday night get together and JJ was able for the first time, to witness our experiences in this particular situation.  The night ended with my then high spirited eldest child in a fist fight with the little boy in the situation.  

I didn't witness it.  JJ said he hung back because he wanted to see how AJ1 responded to being teased and left out and eventually physically harmed.  JJ stepped in at that point but both children were throwing punches.  We weren't too concerned.  We have always aired on the "playground" rules side of things as long as no one is getting hurt.

JJ wasn't impressed by the way other parents responded.  He wasn't impressed by the children's attitudes who were involved.  Mostly, he wasn't impressed that AJ1 didn't just walk away and find something else to do.

Back to the present...Over ensuing months I have witnessed my go-get-it child turn somewhat whiny and wimpy.  He talks a lot about hurt feelings and needing friends and well, going back to Virginia (although he says he loves New Zealand too).  I am in no way saying that these children are responsible, I am.  I should have stopped the situation months ago.  I should have stood up for my child.

So, Wednesday.  First I saw something that I was quite disturbed by.  AJ3 was playing and the boy and girl were kind of circled up on him.  They weren't harming him but they were definitely trying to annoy him and succeeding.  Trying to take the stick he was playing with and pushing a little so he was wobbling on his feet.  I walked over and asked them to stop and leave him alone -- He's 18 months old for goodness sake!

AJ1 spent the day trying to break into the click of his peers once again and it was heart wrenching for me.  I spent time with him talking about the difference in life of being inclusive and exclusive.  Trying to prompt him to invite other children into his games but he wasn't having it. 

When it was almost time to leave I walked outside to hear the boy and the girl calling AJ1 stupid and taking his latest art project, a kite he created that day and running around the playground away from him telling him it was stupid and wasn't going to fly.  At first he looked so excited, they were kind of playing with him.  Soon, I watched the little boy walk up and grab the skin on AJ1's arm just on the inside of the elbow and twist.  As I STORMED over, AJ1 cowered and looked confused.  Girl dropped the kite, and I decided it was time to go.

I should have simply walked away.  I should have packed the boys up and not looked back but instead I tried to tell the other mothers (boy and girl's mothers to be precise) what was happening and that I thought it was disgraceful that they had let it go on so long.  You see, this has been a topic of conversation, almost kind of a joke in this situation for months on end.  I have tried to just stay away from it thinking it wasn't too bad, boy was I wrong...

I'm sure they think I am crazy.  I failed as a parent in such a big way, for the first time really.  I should have been able to see the writing on the wall and walked away a lot sooner.  I understand that there are some lessons that children will learn and this is one of them but there is something quite perverse about standing by while your four year old learns the lesson of emotional and physical pain the hard way.

Now I have a little boy who tells everyone that we aren't going back because the other kids didn't want to be his friends. Now I am talking to my four year old about self defense and how to stop bullying.  My confident little boy isn't as inviting and open-hearted as he once was, some bit of his innocence lost.  Total parent fail.  

I'll keep a closer eye on the pieces of my heart that are walking around outside of me.  I'll react sooner.  I'll react more swiftly.  I'll be myself more and make sure that those around us know that we will not tolerate such actions immediately.

What have you done to help your children?  I could use the advice...

Okay, now I'm going to hit post before I chicken out and keep it buried inside any longer.