Why I've Been Avoiding You...

So, I've been avoiding blogging all week.  I've had a lapse in free time recently so it was easy to put this post off this last week as well but here goes...

Epic Mamma Fail (deeeeeep breathe, here goes)

So, for months now we have been attending a twice weekly group of children and families.  It has been really, really great for us.  It gave us somewhere to go and other like minded children and parents to be around and part of.

We never really felt like we fit.  Sure, we met lots of new people and enjoyed our time but there wasn't anyone new in this group that we were meeting for coffee or at the playground.  I kept thinking it would just take more time.  

Slowly, over the last several weeks many of the families with children close in age to AJ1 have left for various reasons (mainly due to moves).  There are two children, one boy and one girl who have still been attending who are just a few short weeks chronologically older than AJ1.  That being said, AJ1 seems worlds younger to me.

A quick side note...I have worked very hard to keep my children young.  I have not exposed them to life's hardships because I haven't had to, we are very blessed in so many ways.  I have tried to talk to them about the facts of life and the sad situations in the world where children don't have family, food, toys, homes, etc, etc, etc.  I have addressed stranger danger and the ideas that some adults are not nice and can hurt children but I have NEVER thought it necessary to go beyond that.

As the other children closest to AJ1 have syphoned off, AJ1 has had a growing NEED to break into the wall of friendship created by this boy and girl.  These two particular children were born on the same day and have always had one another growing up.  It's the magical kind of relationship that I cannot provide for my children due to geography and the need to move several times during early childhood.  Bestie's babies provide this to some extent but not in the see them all the time physical aspect that many children have.  

I have given my boys brothers as a consolation prize.  AJ4 will be born within 57 months of AJ1's birth.  I am sure that now, it seems like decades but someday it will seem like just moments to them.  I thank God that I have been able to provide that.

Back to business...AJ1 has not been able to break in to this relationship and the more he tries, the more he is ridiculed.  Finally, last Wednesday I witnessed the scene that JJ had predicted and I had hoped could be avoided through me working with AJ1.  You see, several months ago when it all began we went to a Friday night get together and JJ was able for the first time, to witness our experiences in this particular situation.  The night ended with my then high spirited eldest child in a fist fight with the little boy in the situation.  

I didn't witness it.  JJ said he hung back because he wanted to see how AJ1 responded to being teased and left out and eventually physically harmed.  JJ stepped in at that point but both children were throwing punches.  We weren't too concerned.  We have always aired on the "playground" rules side of things as long as no one is getting hurt.

JJ wasn't impressed by the way other parents responded.  He wasn't impressed by the children's attitudes who were involved.  Mostly, he wasn't impressed that AJ1 didn't just walk away and find something else to do.

Back to the present...Over ensuing months I have witnessed my go-get-it child turn somewhat whiny and wimpy.  He talks a lot about hurt feelings and needing friends and well, going back to Virginia (although he says he loves New Zealand too).  I am in no way saying that these children are responsible, I am.  I should have stopped the situation months ago.  I should have stood up for my child.

So, Wednesday.  First I saw something that I was quite disturbed by.  AJ3 was playing and the boy and girl were kind of circled up on him.  They weren't harming him but they were definitely trying to annoy him and succeeding.  Trying to take the stick he was playing with and pushing a little so he was wobbling on his feet.  I walked over and asked them to stop and leave him alone -- He's 18 months old for goodness sake!

AJ1 spent the day trying to break into the click of his peers once again and it was heart wrenching for me.  I spent time with him talking about the difference in life of being inclusive and exclusive.  Trying to prompt him to invite other children into his games but he wasn't having it. 

When it was almost time to leave I walked outside to hear the boy and the girl calling AJ1 stupid and taking his latest art project, a kite he created that day and running around the playground away from him telling him it was stupid and wasn't going to fly.  At first he looked so excited, they were kind of playing with him.  Soon, I watched the little boy walk up and grab the skin on AJ1's arm just on the inside of the elbow and twist.  As I STORMED over, AJ1 cowered and looked confused.  Girl dropped the kite, and I decided it was time to go.

I should have simply walked away.  I should have packed the boys up and not looked back but instead I tried to tell the other mothers (boy and girl's mothers to be precise) what was happening and that I thought it was disgraceful that they had let it go on so long.  You see, this has been a topic of conversation, almost kind of a joke in this situation for months on end.  I have tried to just stay away from it thinking it wasn't too bad, boy was I wrong...

I'm sure they think I am crazy.  I failed as a parent in such a big way, for the first time really.  I should have been able to see the writing on the wall and walked away a lot sooner.  I understand that there are some lessons that children will learn and this is one of them but there is something quite perverse about standing by while your four year old learns the lesson of emotional and physical pain the hard way.

Now I have a little boy who tells everyone that we aren't going back because the other kids didn't want to be his friends. Now I am talking to my four year old about self defense and how to stop bullying.  My confident little boy isn't as inviting and open-hearted as he once was, some bit of his innocence lost.  Total parent fail.  

I'll keep a closer eye on the pieces of my heart that are walking around outside of me.  I'll react sooner.  I'll react more swiftly.  I'll be myself more and make sure that those around us know that we will not tolerate such actions immediately.

What have you done to help your children?  I could use the advice...

Okay, now I'm going to hit post before I chicken out and keep it buried inside any longer.

Gender Predictor - Take a Guess!

Hello all!  It's been a long couple of weeks here.  A very nice man I went to high school with past away.  He wasn't someone that I had ever been close to but quite oddly, I had more interaction with him since moving overseas than most from my hometown.  He was a traveler by trade himself so he took an interest in the things we get to see and do.  This is the third friend I've lost since we moved here.  In addition, two friends lost parents over the weekend, one old, one new, after long battles with illness.   It's all reminding me to count my blessings constantly.  The thing is, holy moly, have I been blessed!  Take a second if you haven't recently and think about all you have!

I have lots to tell you about, as always, and we did some VERY New Zealand things this last week and I got some great photos but I will share all that with you later this week (promise).  We went to Sheepworld, made it through a tsunami warning, had a really nice time with friends over from the states and I missed Thee Oh Sees concert at the Whammy Bar and was totally and completely disappointed! The boys and I were REALLY sick last week and I thought we were well enough to get out of the house this weekend but silly mommy never seems to learn that we really needed a bit more rest so everyone is currently back in bed!!

Therefore, I just wanted to take a minute to put this out there.  JJ may decide on Friday that he doesn't want to know the gender of the baby.  If he does I will not be making it total public knowledge.  I will not be posting it to Facebook and he reads this blog (occasionally) so I won't be talking about it on here either...

So, I thought either way I would do something a little fun.  If you would like to take a guess at the gender of the baby I will send a post card to the first fifty people that are right.  I don't know that fifty people will actually guess but that would cost me a little more than $100 NZ and that's the limit I am putting on my post card spend!  Here's the one rule...

1.  You have to leave your comment on this blog which means you have to become a bona fide follower.  You cannot make your guess on Facebook.  That's it.

Your guess is probably better than mine as I have been wrong EVERY.SINGLE.TIME!

Best of luck!

Cheers!

Boom Goes the Dynamite

I had a rough week.

I really thought I would have the kitchen done this week and I could show you my really, fantastic amazing kitchen and maybe my awesome courtyard as well.

Not so much!  I never made it to the framing store to have my "Children Inspire Design" prints framed and I haven't found the things I want to complete the official center piece for the dining table!

My kitchen is really awesome though.  I've been cooking and maybe replenishing my utensils and stock in such a way that I know that I shouldn't.  It might be possible that I have even been baking on occasion!  I never dreamed how hard it would be for me to adjust my culinary skills to a foreign grocery! Since I will be without my amazing C-ville friends who bring dinner for six weeks post baby I am trying out recipes to freeze in advance.

But, that's not my point today.  I want to show you the house and the garden and maybe even take you on a little tour of my amazingly awesome new neighborhood soon, but not yet.

Not right now.

What I have found this week is that I have been so very blessed.  I have the perfect little family for me!  I have a husband who although he doesn't always understand me, is there for me and boys who think I hung the moon!

I'm not too good at family.  In all honesty, when it goes outside of my closest, most intimate small group I get pretty awkward   I have high expectations and don't see a lot of grey.  Loyalty is so, very important to me and that is really hard to come by!

Sooo, I had this bad week when it came to family and all I could think of was Brian Collins and "Boom Goes the Dynamite".

If you aren't from Muncie, Indiana (or surrounding areas), didn't go to Ball State University or aren't married to a man like JJ who seems to know all things sports and pop culture (or well, maybe just generally, all things!) you might not have ever seen this totally awkward, almost four minutes of history.

I figure Brian Collins' life changed after this broadcast.  He either changed his course of profession or used it as a building block to hone his skills -- I hope he didn't continue down this same path!  I sure don't plan to!

Today I vow to be the absolute best for my boys that I can be.  Boom went my dynamite this week and I'll probably fumble again but right now I have a strong sense of what family is, was and will always be, at least for me!  I will continue to have high standards and seek love that is loyal and unconditional, continuing to fumble through my naivety when I find those expectations unfounded.

Here it is for your viewing pleasure...Boom Goes the Dynamite.

The holidays are over here (yeah, I think it's always a holiday too) and we have been entertaining a lot of guests from the states, the south island, locally etc.  Some of our closest friends picked up and moved to Australia last week.  PlayCentre starts back after the summer vacation on Monday -- life goes on...

I'll be back to full force soon with that tour, maybe a plea for help on the recipe end of things and hopefully a day in the life if I can find one interesting enough to share!

Last but not least, I have finally begun to enjoy hearing my name here, where I have always been A-me in my past, I have begun to expect to hear Aye-May when being addressed.  I bet I miss that in the end!

Cheers!

I Just Couldn't Stop Myself

So today is Friday here and moving weekend officially commences.  It is also January which means that tax season is upon us and work heats up for me for the next several weeks (and then it seems like wedding season is upon us etc, etc -- I am so very thankful for this cycle!).  We are also on break from PlayCentre which means we have the "extra" to do of cleaning up our centre, grant planning and projects begin...Such is life, a collection of projects and daily living.

I thought I wouldn't have a chance to write again before we move and truthfully, I really don't, but I wanted to take a minute and scratch out a few things that have been on my mind the last few days that I just needed to share.  The first has to do with this blog...I do not proof this blog the way that I should.  Each entry I make gets roughly 100-150 views and I realize that I am not always putting my best foot forward when I misspell or if my grammar is incorrect but truth be told, if I worried about it, I simply would not have time to write.  I really don't have time as it stands but since it is something I want to do to share our amazing opportunities with my family and friends (and anyone else who is reading it in Russia).  Therefore, just a quick apology to cover all the times I use the wrong to (serious pet peeve) or misspell the suburb I am moving to (just did this one in the last entry!).  Usually, I realize I have done it after the fact and depending on how much time I have, how stupid I feel and what mood I am in, I might edit it.

When I became a parent I gave up on perfect.  I mean, let's face it, I hadn't done anything perfectly until I had my boys.  God made them perfectly and I did all I could to help so, there is my contribution to perfect!  My blog, well, it's more me than perfect.  This paragraph leads into my next two kind of, "perfectly" although everything that I say here is so, very, disjointed :)

It has come to my attention that several people in my circle of existence have been turning thirty (I run with a young crowd -- wink, wink!).  There seems to be a lot of moaning and complaining that comes along with your 30's and I wanted to make a couple of statements about it.  1.  Thirty started the best time of my life so far.  I found out I was having a little boy (AJ1) on my thirtieth birthday -- seriously the best gift ever!  2.  My thirties have been a sort of renaissance for me.  I am finally old enough to know better and still too young to care.  I worry plenty but not about insignificant things any more.  Well, sometimes I do, but generally I have the wherewithal to stop, collaborate and listen...No, but really, there are few things that get to me the way they used to...Thirty in my eyes is beautiful and made even more so by my little family each and every day!

Finally, on God...So, the other day I was going to the New World (yes, I intentionally say this like an old lady going to "the Walmart" -- I think it's cute and it makes me feel wise beyond my years) and there was a man walking around in the parking lot.  I don't know enough about NZ culture to know if there is a large homeless population but in the States I would have assumed him to be mentally ill and homeless.  He was bundled all up and it's the middle of summer here etc, etc.

As I looked at him I was in my "I don't judge people kind of way" passing judgement.  This is something I have struggled with for years, the ability to find that fine line between being aware and passing judgement.  Well, my thoughts wondered back to a night a couple of years ago when there was a man at my door at dusk and I didn't answer.  I peaked out the window and saw him standing there and thought, that looks like Jesus (you know, white, long, fine brown haired, Jesus, not the nappy haired, bronze Jesus the bible describes).  Wouldn't it be horrible if I stood in the dark and didn't answer the door when Jesus knocked?  If you are wondering why I didn't answer, please see my last posting.  That night has haunted me since.  As I thought this Alexander asked, "Mom, is that God?".

How do kids ALWAYS know what you are thinking?!?  I did a double take and JUST before I said no I closed my mouth.  What came out next was a surprise, even to me..."Well, Alex, that's a good question and in a way, yes, that is God.".  Before I could finish he said, "Is that what God looks like?".  Again, "Well, it's some of what God looks like...".  I went on to explain that God is everywhere, in everything and that since God created us in his image, from his knowledge, that the entire world was part of God just as our artwork is kind of a part of us.  Deep mamma moment!

I was a little more prepared for this mornings question about church...

I studied politics, Philosphy and communications in college.  I thought I had learned all the wrong things for this most important job as mamma.  I thought that maybe I would have been better served with a degree in early childhood development now that I kind of have my own nursery school at home, but then again, maybe not...

Random Pearls from Parnell

This is probably the last time I will write to you from my lovely little perch in Parnell.  Movers are scheduled for Monday morning and we are headed out to Kohimarama for the remaining time that we will be in Auckland.    I am looking forward to it in some ways but not in others.  I wanted to share a little that's been on my mind in the meantime although I have absolutely nothing of any importance to say, I am going to type away...

Once, what seems like a million years ago, I had a friend who we will call Raquets 4 Rachel of R4R for short who had a baby.  I wasn't even married yet or even thinking about it if I recall so I was probably like 26!  I went to her house one day and someone knocked on the door (once I was already inside).  She didn't answer the door telling me that when she had become a mother she had stopped answering the door unless she was expecting someone...I will not lie, I thought this was over the top!

Fast forward almost a decade and guess what?  I do not answer my door unless I am expecting someone!  I totally agree with her, when someone calls you mama, life changes.  Ed McMahon (did you know he died four years ago?  I had NO idea) could be knocking on my door (although it would have to be his ghost with publisher's clearing house) and I would not answer.  Better yet, it could be Oprah and I would be like, please make an appointment!

The people who bought our house have been here like a dozen times (not exaggerating) in the last FOUR months and they are about ready to drive me insane.  There is always a door left open or a window left unlocked and today they left the gate to the unused backyard open (where I finally found AJ3 after a frantic search).  I don't really like having strangers (and their subcontractors) around my kids. If for no other reason than this, I am ready to move.

Our new house is AWESOME!!  Super excited to show you around!!  We have a great view of Rangitoto, a little fenced in park down the street a walled off private courtyard and one whole side of the house is glass!

So, today I am saying goodbye to the new owners of the Brighton house but I am also saying goodbye to my second least favorite part of pregnancy -- the first trimester!  Whoohoo!  Goodbye sleepy, grumpy, sicky, icky, nasty first trimester!!  Babies who make it through the first trimester of gestation have only a 3% risk of miscarriage (okay so that statistic could be totally inaccurate as I googled it and gave you the first answer I found -- I'm not even siting it).  Tomorrow morning I am officially still not very pregnant (14 weeks) but I have been feeling ready for the energy, nesting, wonderfulness of trimester 2!

I even look forward to the dreaded last six weeks -- okay, maybe I don't -- but the last day of pregnancy at like 37 weeks sounds fantastically happy to me!!  Some of my favorite people were born on June 19 (I'll be 37 weeks that day)!!  I have NEVER carried a baby 40 weeks or 39 weeks or even 38 weeks so I am hoping for a healthy, 6 1/2 pound (Oh goodness, I will not know how much my baby weighs until after I convert it!!), 21 inch (again with the conversion!), 37 week kiwi in the middle of the night (I've never had a baby in the daylight hours!)!!  Just watch, I will have an 3.62 Kg, 43 CM, noon time baby!!

One last thing and if you haven't left of your own volition, I will be done - AJ1 has been asking about birth.  I'm just not ready to have that conversation with my four year old...This weekend he was asking in the car with JJ and I and I answered that the baby would be born at the hospital.  AJ1 asked where the baby would come out, I said the hospital.  It's a conversation we have had for weeks and weeks and he knows I am avoiding him so JJ answers that I will push the baby out at the hospital.  1 becomes very serious and says incredulously that Mamma can't do that because then 4's head will explode!  I think we traumatized him more than we would have with talk of vaginas!!

Cheers!

Father Time, The Baby New Year and the Mother Load of Resolutions

I am a resolution girl.  I currently have about 25, half thought out, resolutions written down.  A few I can't start until after 4 shows up, about half way through the year.  A few I shouldn't begin until we move later this month.  A few yet that I just need time to consider.

Finally there are some that I news to start now...

1.  I need to spend focused time with the boys.

AJ2 has been showing interest in the toilet.  Okay, he's been taking his diaper off and going to the toilet.  I need to set a timer for each hour and just take him!

AJ1 has zero motivation to learn ANYTHING!  He is interested in candy and the apple remote.  I think we need to start a reward system using candy money or screen time.

AJ3 just needs more of me.  When 4 gets here his world is going to change.  His current favourite quote is "I'm the baby!".

2.  I need to learn how to trust.  I'm bad at this.  It's hard to form relationships when you are always questioning.  I could analyse but this is boring enough...

3.  Stay focused.  I can be distractable in my personal life.

4.  Settle in.  Now that I know we will be here another year it's time to make some roots.  Temporary roots but roots none the less.

After this next move I will have been in six houses since 2007.  I need to make our house a home even if its only six months at a time.  We don't have any photos on our walls or personal items out.  This needs to change!

2013 will essentially be about JJ and the AJs, especially AJ4 buried like to throw some updates into this blog here and there so be ready.  What are the other 21 on my list you ask...well, I may share some, I may drop some and I may keep some to myself, time will tell.

Before you go, I'd like to ask a couple of favours.

First, on average I get 100 hits on my blog per post but I only have 8 followers.  I'd LOVE to know more about you, follow me so I know who you are (please)!

Finally, I'd really like to hear what you have planned for the new year.  It doesn't have to be in the form of resolution but any plan you are making!  Big plans, big moves, new dog?  Share (please)!

I hope your new year stays shiny and bright each and every day of 2013!

Cheers!

I Almost Didn't Blog About This...

So, I almost kept this to myself but let's face it, I'm not too good at keeping things to myself so here goes...

We had the nuchal scan performed on Friday.  We don't normally have nuchal testing done and although I broke down and agreed to this one I still refused the blood test.  Therefore, everything I tell you will soley be based on my one little ultra sound.

I have said before that I think that this is our last baby but here's the thing, I then see the baby, and later I can touch and hold the baby (and I am no longer pregnant) and all I can think is, I WANT MORE!!  It's almost like a baby addiction!!  Well, I got to see AJ4 at this scan (obviously!) and 4 was so stinking sweet.

We had to wake 4 up to get some cooperation and it was so wonderful to see the baby with the little arms and legs all crossed up and the big ole head tucked down - I think the fetal position is so, adorbs!!

We received ALL good news on Friday which was great since AS SOON AS I GOT ON THE TABLE I WAS REGRETTING THE FACT THAT I HAD AGREED TO THIS!  I just don't care if the baby has a risk for anything (and JJ doesn't either), this is our BABY, we are going to keep 4 and love 4 no matter what, for as long as we can, but here I was and I felt like it was too late to turn back.  I said a quick prayer, took a deep breath and balled like a baby as soon as my littlest one came up on the screen!

First things first, the placenta is safely behind the baby this time.  AJ3's placenta was under him causing all kinds of thoughts about placenta previa, so happy AJ4 has been positioned so well.  In addition, it explains why I have been feeling 4 move quite a bit since early week 10!

Next, AJ4 has ten fingers, ten toes, a nasal bone, kidneys are working, heart looks good and is swallowing.  So far, the brain looks good.  Good news.

When we walked in to the appointment, based soley on my age, our risk of the top three chromosonal abnormalities were 3 times what they were when we walked out!  This was so reassuring!!

I also understand that the 1:724 still represents the 1 and that is all it takes.  I am okay with that (really, what choice do I have).  I have been granted a blessing to carry this baby each day.

So, here is the real part that I felt so funny about, the video.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to show y'all my innards.  I mean you get to see my ovary and my cervix.  These are normally things that I keep between me, the OB and the five trillion other people in the room when you have a baby!

A side note, I will never in my entire life forget the dude that was on the NICU team that knocked the paper towel dispenser off the wall while AJ2 was being delivered.  If I had the opportunity, even two + years later, I would punch him in the nose.  He thought himself hysterical right when my baby was born without breathe.  It all turned out okay in the end but seriously poor bedside manner dude!  Okay, enough of my pregnant rage -- Sorry!

Now, if you happen to be associated with radiology in anyway and would like to tell me if you can tell if 4 is a male or female -- PLEASE DO!  I don't do surprises (and we will try to look again in 6-8 weeks) and I am dying to know!  Yes, I know it is early but seriously, if you know or think you know, let me in on it!